There was a fitfully funny Belfast comedian called James Young who used to release LPs parodying the politics of the north of Ireland. During the 1970s one of his routines was based on the Norn Iron Tourist Board trying to market the place as a holiday destination. His influence lives on and not just among those comedians who think anything said in a strong Belfast accent is pure comic gold.
The following comes from the helpful hints section of Belfast City Council’s brochure for this year’s Orangefest:
“Please don’t walk through the procession whilst it’s in progress. If you would like to cross through just ask a marshall who’d be happy to advise when it’s safe to do so.”
I tried this once many years ago and it was the only time in my life I’d ever been relieved to have the RUC close to hand. There is no greater insult to the dignity of Orangefest than trying to get from one side of the road to the other when the brethren are marching down it and they preserve its majesty by pummelling anyone insouciant enough to try. That’s the sort of minor detail that’s going to stop it becoming a serious competitor to the Notting Hill or Rio carnivals. There are many others.
Belfast council is gamely carrying on with its project of trying to rebrand the event. Not even Jimmy Young would have thought of the “shopping and processions angle”, maybe because at the time the Provies were trying to make the city centre a retail free zone. No one has ever, ever, ever associated the 12th of July with shopping. Fenians try either to stop it coming anywhere near their streets or flee the area; lots of Protestants are quietly embarrassed and the participants are either too drunk or too sanctimonious to go in sponsors of the event like the decidedly Romish sounding L’Occitane en Provence. In any case they are probably baffled by the claim that “ Our products are a true art de vivre devoted to your well-being. We bring together nature and research, following the principles of phytotherapy.” (Note to Mrs Mac – don’t buy anymore of their stuff for me. If they are offering 50% discounts for Orangefest they’ve lost my custom.)
For anyone who won’t be able to drop into the Castle Court Centre after a relaxing day of no popery, super strength lager and Lambeg drums Professor Mc Williams has produced a handy guide for how fur til have a glorious Twelfth when yer nat at it.





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